Worst present ever: a children's book called If I Could Be... I still feel bad about reading it more than once to that boy who just turned 21. It was a gift from your grandmother, Sven! As penance, I'll take that principle, apply the subjunctive and play What If.
(and remember, the subjunctive presupposes things contrary to fact and exposes the limitations of my grammar knowledge)
If I were...
...a man, I'd be Lars Fredriksen. Chubby, disgruntled, with loads of cool friends. Insanely talented, not so much to look at. With fewer tattoos and a little more laundry savvy.
...an Elvis Costello Album, I'd be Get Happy!!!! Soulful, yet bitter. Borrowed, yet original.
...a dog, I'd be a Scottish deerhound. Quirky. Scruffy, yet sweet. Aloof. Athletic, but deeply versed in the delights of inertia.
...a candy bar, I would not be a Zagnut. Peanut butter AND coconut? Sacrilege. I'd be a Snickers. All four food groups represented: peanuts, peanut butter, caramel AND chocolate. A solid chunk of quasi-nutrition.
...a flower, I'd be a Gerbera daisy. Singular, intense, not found in bunches.
And that's enough about me.
At least for today.