Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse: Fulham win?! Wtf?

Sometimes it's hard to be Clint Dempsey.

Englishter elbows. LSU balls. Repeated face-first introductions to Mr. Turf. A disturbing lack of sun and taco trucks.

On Sunday, February 3rd 2008 it was good to be Clint, but it was better to be a Fulham fan. The return to form of Jimmy Bullard, exemplifying the adage looks aren't everything. Brian McBride subbing in for a 20 minute work out. The first goal scored since January 8th (too bad it was for Villa!). Two more goals scored and the lead held until the final whistle. Everybody looked lively and interested. Big ups, dudes.

USA v. Mexico Wednesday!

Hope that's enough time for Mostest to rest up. I need to rest up too - the Stupor Bowl sucked me in at the last minute (big ups, Eli!) and then there was the new! episode of House after... And I'm taking the Austinator to see UT play Florida tomorrow night in Knoxville, and the tip off's not until 9. PM!

Bring on the Diet Pepsi.

Yin and Yang and the News Today

Rancid are back in the studio.

Most excellent and welcome news because the whole B and C Side thing did not do much for me. Tour to follow?

That's the yang.


Here's the yin: Fulham, determined to conquer the hip hop demographic, is chasing Eddie Johnson.


Yes.

Eddie Johnson. The Pride of Bunnell, Florida. In 2004, he scored his very first international goal in his very first appearance - a World Cup qualifer game, to boot. Scored a hat trick in his next international appearance. Only MLS player to score back to back (or is that game to game?) hat tricks. Ever. But we've been fooled before by Eddie's Potential. In 2005. 2006. Part of 2007. Some players' form takes a few games off. Eddie's evaporates for whole seasons.


Well, I hate to say it, but it could be worse.

It could have been Twellman.

Àngel + Altidore (with a little Mathis Magic) = Absolute Awesomeness

Everything Jeff Bradley asked for. And more. Nine freakin' goals. Atmosphere out the wazoo. Records broken. This was one of those games. Those games that set benchmarks, that are storied into myth, one of those games that I should've set the VCR for.


There were scuffles.


Becks did the whole 90. On turf.

And he looked really pissed about it. The Geico Gecko was never that ferocious.


My only complaint? Jerseys stayed decidedly ON. Even after the final whistle.



Usually Fox Soccer will replay their one allotted MLS game a gazillion times the following week. Not this time. "Real" soccer has started up out there in the Rest of the World, so time slots are scarce. MSG to the rescue, with replays Tuesday (9 pm, 11 pm and1 am) and Wednesday (noon, 2 pm and 6 pm). The only downside? Trying to watch Revs and Wizards last night - just wasn't worth it.

This Week in MLS!

We learned the hokey-pokey.

Or is that some variation of the Chicken Dance? I dunno. I do know the Red Bulls looked good, in spite of Joe Vide's Sally Brown hair style, and that Jozy Altidore is Da Kid. In time he'll be Da Man, but at that point he'll probably be playing for some candy-ass YerOPean team.



That second goal was a thing of beauty.

I watched a little of the L. A. Galaxy/New England game and it was a study in contrasts. New York came out looking confident, in charge. It was obvious that it was just a matter of time before they put one in. L. A. (and I called it before the game started - no grass, no Beckham - do I win a prize?) just looked aimless, kind of like Crock's Lost Patrol, doomed to wander the MLS wastelands in search of goals and wins. Or just a common page to be on all together. I feel sorry for this team. It's as if their own management didn't quite believe they'd really scored Becks, and then it's damn! we better find him some talent to play with! so they go down to Trades R Us, shop the discount rack and come up with Carlos Pavon, Edson Buddle, Chris Klein and (just because it's Buy-One-Blond-Get-One-Free week) Abel Xavier. They're not a team, they're a random group of strangers. And in New England yesterday, they looked like they were waiting for a bus.

Beck's Big Day (version MLS)

In which he went from this (and if you look carefully you can still see the bruise. 8 weeks later)...



to this...

I regret that I did not get to see the entire game, but I did manage to see his first steps on the field and the jersey change. The shouts from the crowd - rock star worthy. One of the increasingly annoying ESPN announcers proclaimed it "Beatles-esque."

I won't indulge in any tacky wedding night metaphors. I think, like a lot of folks, I'm just glad to get that over with so we can get back to some semblance of normality. I do take exception to one piece of disinformation I've heard ad nauseum during this whole When Will David Play? saga. To wit, that his ankle has to be back to 100% before he'll play. 100%. Not 99 44/100. 100%.

And how many athletes DO play at 100%? Someone ask Cobi Jones when was the last time he played completely healthy. Or Carlos Mendes. Or Alejandro Moreno. Just don't ask Eddie Johnson because he has to be stretchered off after the game opening handshakes.

p.s. It was the biggest raindrops ever.

It Was That Kind of Game

I hope His Royal Beckness was taking notes last night (while bench-warming [via special permission from MLS - because apparently you just can't have just *anybody* hanging around the sidelines] in a very natty suit) because once his ankle heals, methinks he'll be tasting a lot of Field Turf and grass.



Like his little buddy Landon here, who could not buy a call last night.

The word went out all across the Canadian nation: Wins? We don't need no stinking wins. We just don't want to lose to the (really clever dis alert) Galactically overhyped. As long as they *don't* win, we win. That's Canadian for Take No Prisoners or something. Clearly, there's a language problem. They build a beautiful stadium, sell record numbers of season tickets, build enthusiastic crowd support out of The Great White North, and what do they play on? Turf. Field turf. Why, oh why, Canada?

Anyway, as the time nears (that pesky ankle can't be swollen forever, can it? can it?) to his actual MLS debut, I have one little question. How will he be reffed? Because you can't put yer $25 million Precious on the field and let Dema Kovalenko (or Carl Robinson, as the case may be) go all Dirty Harry on him.

Can you?

Maybe we'll find out Thursday. ESPN2.

Telefutility, Or Why I Hate Directv

Because this sounds like one h-e-double-toothpicks of a game: L. A. Galaxy 6, F. C. Dallas 5. Gals only need a tie to advance, but Dallas had to win. Gals come out strong, scoring 4 goals in 17 minutes. Then, just to make things interesting, they give up 3. Landon "Beer Run" Donovan added another for the Gals (and pissed off the Dallas faithful something awful) before Carlos Ruiz biked one in for the home side. Another goal each in stoppage time and the Galaxy go home with the win and a place in the semis.


Eleven freaking goals.

And what was I watching last night?

Law & Order SVU reruns.

Again.

I hate Directv.

The East Coast Beckham

I think we need to play up (and ... uh ... invent) this rivalry.



and we could start with a Zoolander-style walk off.












See? He looks excited about it.


Smokin' hot to Dumb and Dumberer in .005 seconds.


But welcome to the team, to MLS, to the freakin' United States of America, Juan Pablo Angel.

I Wasn't Gonna Do It

Talk about soccer today, that is.



But, unfortunately, the onus is upon me and I can't think of anything else to write about except work, and if there's anything more boring than me going on and on about soccer, it's me going on and on about my job.



It's the lesser of two evils. Really!



Today's subject: Unsung Heroes of the Columbus Crew. Specifically, Alejandro Moreno who came to the Crew via a trade with Houston for Joseph Ngwenya (who had that sweet goal last week). Alejandro, the Venezuelan Curious George, has the distinction of being the most fouled player two years running. In 17 games for the Crew this year, he's scored 3 goals and been credited with 5 assists, but his most profound contribution to the team may just be that he is a real "team" kind of guy. He knows how to Take One For the Team. Like a Timex watch, he takes a licking and keeps on ticking. Like a good neighbor, Moreno is there. Like Avis, he tries harder. He will sell no wine before it's time because somebody put a tiger in his tank. Alejandro Moreno, this Bud's for you!

Becks Big Day

For starters, don't call it his MLS debut. This Chelsea/Gals "world series" game was not an MLS game; ergo,it cannot be his MLS debut. But there can be no doubt now that the circus is in town. We had the DB one hour bio previous. We had half an hour of DB chatter and celebrity sightings before the game started. We had a swarm of photographers following him on to the field.


Really, truly, unabashedly surreal. Nobody has ever pandered to me as a soccer fan before.

Cool!

Random observation #1: Pete Vagenas doesn't look all that comfortable with his new teammate. He practically sat in Chris Albright's lap to avoid physical contact with DB. Could it be having to give up #23? The massive pay differential? Perhaps he doesn't care for Dave's aftershave. This picture doesn't really capture the chill, but it was there. I saw it with my own two eyes. Pete's the one with his legs crossed. His whole body language was "don't touch me!"

Random observation #2: who knew Katie Holmes was such a soccer fan? Or is she a Posh fan? She brought the Stepford Baby, which no doubt gave her something to do in those boring stretches without Becks. She uses Playtex bottles. Less air in Suri's tummy.


Random observation #3: I'm way past ready for all this hoopla to die down. If one has been playing DB drinking games the last few days, one is in serious danger of alcohol poisoning. Let's just play the game, ok? *Not* the drinking game.

Sad fact #1: I didn't actually see him step on the field. I fell asleep. But, somehow, I just don't think I missed much.




Back to some semblance of normalcy, please.

The MLS All-Star Game v. 2007

What? You don't believe in All-Star games? Hater.

I love the idea of them - the best choosing the best of their own. I kind of wish they were post-season, but who would care then?

So, MLS looked good last night. Celtic are pre-season, sure, but they looked a whole lot better than Chelsea who looked lazy, sloppy and fat at last year's. I'd give the boys in the green and white stripedy shirts a B- for effort. I mean, look at that dude's face. He looks pissed. And not in a fun way.

Juan Pablo Angel with goal #1, Juan Tojas with goal #2. Bad pun alert! Juan plus Juan equals two. Tojas, don't ever cut your hair. I think it gives you special powers, special protection. Now if we can just perform some Santeria ritual and have Dallas (and the rest of the league) forget you're signed to them, and have Bruce bring you over to the Red Side... mmmwaaahaaahaaahaaahaaa!

Is there anything more inspiring than a big sweaty man hug? I think not.

Big ups, all you all stars.

So, it wasn't our best showing

But it could have been worse.

Ok, I'm just saying that.

What the hell am I talking about? Copa América. And our 0-3 record. Losing to Argentina was expected. Losing to Colombia was not. It was an invaluable learning experience. It will pay off big time during WC qualifying. We will be stronger for the effort.

Etc.

Really, that's how it seems to me. Given the timing (right after the Gold Cup - our regional championship where we won that ugly gold ... uh, cup, mid-MLS season and smack dab in the middle of the U-20 World Cup) and the ambition (to whip this national program into shape before the next World Cup), this was the way to handle it, so big ups Bob Bradley for having the cajones to do it.

I guess I've just swallowed the Official USSF policy hook, line and sinker.

Anyway, here's a poolful of gratuitous hotties to help us all forget...

I am the water. I am the water. I am the water...

Argentina 4, USA .... 1

A brilliant beginning.

60 minutes of inspired play.

We actually LED for two whole minutes.

And somewhere, around minute 62, things went to h-e-double toothpicks in a handbasket. Was it the subs? The heat? The humidity?

Nah. It was the stripes. The butt-ugly pinstripes. The last time we wore these with the white shorts: a friendly with Guatemala in March, which was possibly the ugliest, least interesting, most depressing game ever with Mostest and Feilhaber in the starting XI.

But, in the end, it's not whether you win or lose, but what you discover about your players that's important. Just keep saying to yourself 'it's a four year master plan, it's a four year master plan.' All will be well in the end.

Saturday Soccer Madness

It's an all day show, peeps. Well, most of the day. The best part of the day, how 'bout that?

First up, Team America versus Panama, 4:00 PM, live from Foxboro, Mass. I have some trepidation about this one for some reason. Soccer angst, I suppose. Or perhaps they'll be out for revenge against me after my wish for a Mexican miracle in their last game. Panama will be missing two key players due to red cards from that brouhaha, but they are a speedy bunch.

Break a leg, USA.
Kenny Cooper says hey, hey
Win this one so we can go
win it all in Chicago!

thank you, thank you, thank you.

Next game: back to Foxboro (there's a song there - don't go back to Foxbro and waste another game...) for what I hope will be a so-hungry-they're-salivating Columbus Crew eating the Revolution for breakfast/lunch/AND dinner. Wanna see the Gaven and Guille show. And lots of Crew goals. They will actually be playing on grass, since they covered up Gillette's lovely lovely astroturf for the Gold Cup games played earlier. So, in an ironic twist worthy of O. Henry, the visiting Crew will technically have home field advantage.

Last game: those fabulous New York Red Bulls (hopefully) smacking down the Eddie Johnson-deprived KC Wizards. This is either #2 v. #1, or #3 v. #1, or alternatively, #1 v. #2 depending on whose rankings you subscribe to. Wanna see Mathis shine.

insert gratuitous soccer hottie here
Now, don't YOU feel like a winner too?

On to the quarterfinals

And looking pretty darn happy about it. USA 4 (which, again, should have been 6), El Salvador nada. 3 shutouts, 7 goals, 9 points. Maybe we are finally living up to our Gold Cup potential. We have certainly been playing down to our opponents.

Last night's highlights: Landon Donovan's composure after having the pk saved, scoring on the rebound and having the referee call it back because the keeper came off his line too soon, and then burying the second one; DaMarcus Beasley's 2 goal joy; Dempsey's no-look/then-look-hard-just-to-be-sure pass to Twellman (could it have been to somebody else, please?).

Last night's lowlights: Brian Ching's speed, which hovered around lollygag/saunter most of his playing time; Oguchi Onyewu's hesitation - clearly his 2-yellows-gets-you-a-red Guatemalan adventure was on his mind; Benny Feilhaber - are you color blind? not in the I'm-no-racist sense, but in the real can-you-tell-blue-from-white-for-god's-sake sense?

Dilemma: Mexico plays tonight. If they lose, we play them Saturday (I think - the permutations are really freakin' complicated), which is too soon. I want to kick their asses in a semi or even a final. So, here I am hoping Mexico can ... win.

Unclean! Unclean! These thoughts are troubling and unclean!

Landon Donovan: Young, Gifted and

apparently portable.

USA 2, Trinidad & Tobago 0. Goals by Brian Ching (off a sweet Justin Mapp cross) and Eddie Johnson, who was gifted by Donovan, thus the photo above. My question is, was LD deliberate in giving EJ a big international confidence boost or was that simply the best play? I can see him going either way, and both ways are good. Against a rented T&T team, we should have had at least four more goals.

UPDATE: Landon answers, via the much more informed and articulate Sideline Views.

But that was the way of my soccering this weekend.

Red Bulls 2, DC 4. Ben Olsen gets a hat trick? BEN OLSEN gets a hat trick? I'm glad I couldn't watch it, thanks Telefutura.

But I did see Columbus lose to the Dynamo (the artists formerly known as the Earthquakes AND Houston 1836) on an own goal. Sparks and desolation. Sparks and desolation.

Tomorrow night, USA v. El Salvador. I wanna see a 8-0 scoreline.

Gold Cup 2007: USA 1, Guatemala 0

One up. Clint Dempsey (a/k/a The Mostest from Nacogdoches) scored in the 26th minute to give Team USA its winning (and only) goal.
One down. The Hotness His-izzle, Oguchi Onyewu, was ejected in the 73rd minute, leaving ten men to defend that lead. Seen here providing a scoreline update to the Guatemalan fans.


















Frankie Hejduk makes friends with Jose Contreras shortly before receiving a yellow card.


Much better game than the friendly in March. Quite entertaining overall. Question for the world at large: wtf happened with Donovan and Ruiz?

Bring on Trinidad & Tobago.

JPA (a/k/a Juan Pablo Angel)

is Mr. May. So, he looks a little like a Dumb and Dumberer extra here. He's my second favorite use of the word Colombian.


Coffee!

I was thinking coffee!

Quite possibly

the best looking team we've ever fielded. How anybody in their right mind could confuse Gooch (first from left) and Beasley (facing the team) is quite outside the realm of reason. That's like the soccer equivalent of confusing the Skipper with his Little Buddy (referencing relative size disparity only of course).

Guatemala on Thursday. Hope it's better than the last meeting, which epitomized the word turgid.

This Weekend in Soccer

These guys made me LOL right there in my living room. Big ups to Benny Feilhaber for his first national team goal and bigger ups to Sacha Kljestan for teaching Benny a few steps in the down time. USA 4, China 1. Besides Feilhaber, it was Beasley on the PK, Dempsey (sedate elder statesman - whoda thunk it?) and Oguchi Onyewu.

In MLS, the Red Bulls lost to the center ref and Kansas City. Good to see Eddie Johnson on a scoring bender right before the Gold Cup. Bad to see him get his 2nd hat trick IN A ROW off the Red Bulls. Clint Mathis: 8 games, 4 goals, 2 ejections, 1 assist. Still cute.

As for the beleagured, beloved Columbus Crew...

How 'bout them Cavs?